What Wendy Really Wants

I like lists and tend to make a lot of them. And don't most people, when they break up, make a list of what they want the next time around? Just to make sure they get their priorities straight? So, it shouldn't be surprising that this would be the first list I make, upon getting divorced.

I want someone who is just like my ex-husband, but completely different. I want someone who is smarter than I am, but thinks my jokes are funny anyway. I want someone who likes to have serious conversations, but enjoys how my stories tend to ramble on. I want someone that loves to tease me and to be teased right back.

I want someone who would like to spoil me once in a while, just because, but who also knows that I don't expect it. I want someone that will call or txt just to let me know he was thinking about me. I want someone who holds my hand, uses his turn signal, and tips too much.

I want someone who doesn't care that my house isn't always neat and tidy, that I spend too much time on the net, and that I'm not as skinny or as pretty as I was 10 years ago. I want someone who thinks I'm just as beautiful with my hair up, no makeup, and in sweats as I am all dressed up to go out.

I want someone who will not only go with me to a cheesy horror film but will stay over that night because he knows I'll regret it come three in the morning. I want someone who reads as much as I do. I want someone to whom staying home and watching TV and going out until all hours is equally appealing.

In addition, and most crucially:

I want someone who doesn't care that I used to be married and that I have children — who makes me feel as though it is possible to have a relationship that simply makes me happy.

That's not too much, surely?

When All Was Lost, I Was Found

I was trying to tell X last summer exactly how close to the end we were, he just decided not to hear me. The thing is, I didn't realize just exactly what I meant. I just knew with every fiber of my being that what I was saying was true. I told him that if we separated, I didn't think we would get back together. What I didn't understand about myself was, that I wouldn't leave until there was nothing left to save.

I would stay until my grief had dissipated, until my anger had subsided, and until I realized that I just couldn't pretend anymore. I would stay until I realized that putting my needs and wants first didn't make me a bad mother or a bad person. I would stay just long enough to comprehend the fact that I hadn't really lost the woman I am; she was just hiding, biding her time until I was ready to let her shine.

He Misses Me

I knew the minute I saw the email from the soon to be X, that I shouldn't open it. So, of course I opened it. The email was short with him asking to get together sometime this week. He told me that he would get a sitter for the girls and that he missed me. I don't want to hear that he misses me, that just makes what I am doing that much harder.

I had to call him this morning for something to deal with our oldest daughter. He asked me if I would consider going to marriage counseling with him. Seriously? I begged him to go with me last summer, but his heart wasn't in it. I am meeting with two divorce lawyers in the next couple days and will hopefully be filing sometime in the next week. It is too late for marriage counseling at this point.

Is it wrong for me to be grateful that he didn't put forth the effort to save our marriage while there was still something there to save. If he had made any attempt, any at all, then I would still be there right now. I'm truly sorry that he is hurting, but I cannot make this better for him. Goodness knows, he certainly wasn't concerned with making things easy for me last summer.