Time to Move

I need to move, which isn't a big news flash considering the fact that i have needed to move for awhile now. However, with the things that have been going on lately, i really need to move ASAP.

There are two things currently stopping me. The first is that i really can't afford to pay more than what i am paying now, which already stretches my budget a tad.

The second, and most important reason, is my dog Mandy. I have been saying that i don't know how Anna would handle losing Mandy and this is true. But if i am really going to be honest with myself, i don't think that i would be able to handle losing Mandy. She may have started out as the girls' dog, but somewhere along the way she became MY dog.

Both J and my friend Jenny have stated that Mandy could come and live at either of their houses, but i don't think i can give her up. I know that I would still be able to see her and that if she lived with J, i would still spend quite a bit of time with her. But it just wouldn't be the same.

How do i go about coming to terms with this?

Does happily ever after really exist?

Sitting here thinking about how most couples i know (that have been together a long time) aren't really happy, has left me wondering: are all relationships doomed from the very beginning? Don't get me wrong, i know many marriages that seem to have withstood the test of time. However, they all seem to be couples from an older generation. People just didn't seem to get divorced then like they do today.

Why does it seem to be so hard for our generation to stay committed to another person? Why is it that we seem to think relationships are so expendable?

Pondering all of this has left me wondering what will happen with my own relationship. Do J and i stand a chance of making this work or are we headed for the same fate of entirely too many couples these days? Am i going to end up with a broken heart; having lost not only my boyfriend, but his friendship as well...

What am I so scared of?

At some point one would think i would begin to relax and not be so scared in my relationship with J. We keep taking these steps that make things a little more serious and i keep having little panic attacks on a seemingly regular basis. I have been told that i "over-think" things and I have to admit that when it comes to J, anything from a silly little comment about how we are going to end up married to something as serious as a good friend of mine separating from her husband and everything in between has caused me to question just what we are doing.

So now i sit here trying to figure out why my relationship with J terrifies me so much?

Is it the fact that I find myself sharing things with J that i have never told to anyone before? I do this despite the fact that i was taught from a very young age not to trust people as everyone ends up hurting you in the end. The problem is, that not only do i want to trust J, but that i do trust him. In fact, i trust him more than i have ever trusted anyone.

Is it the fact that I was adamant about not ever getting married again and giving someone that much power over me? Yet I have realized that it isn't the marriage that would give a man power over me, but the falling in love with them. I have fallen in love with J, even though i haven't been brave enough to admit it to him. J already has the power to hurt me more than X ever did.

Maybe in the end, all i am really scared of is how badly i am going to end up being hurt.