Time to Move

I need to move, which isn't a big news flash considering the fact that i have needed to move for awhile now. However, with the things that have been going on lately, i really need to move ASAP.

There are two things currently stopping me. The first is that i really can't afford to pay more than what i am paying now, which already stretches my budget a tad.

The second, and most important reason, is my dog Mandy. I have been saying that i don't know how Anna would handle losing Mandy and this is true. But if i am really going to be honest with myself, i don't think that i would be able to handle losing Mandy. She may have started out as the girls' dog, but somewhere along the way she became MY dog.

Both J and my friend Jenny have stated that Mandy could come and live at either of their houses, but i don't think i can give her up. I know that I would still be able to see her and that if she lived with J, i would still spend quite a bit of time with her. But it just wouldn't be the same.

How do i go about coming to terms with this?

Does happily ever after really exist?

Sitting here thinking about how most couples i know (that have been together a long time) aren't really happy, has left me wondering: are all relationships doomed from the very beginning? Don't get me wrong, i know many marriages that seem to have withstood the test of time. However, they all seem to be couples from an older generation. People just didn't seem to get divorced then like they do today.

Why does it seem to be so hard for our generation to stay committed to another person? Why is it that we seem to think relationships are so expendable?

Pondering all of this has left me wondering what will happen with my own relationship. Do J and i stand a chance of making this work or are we headed for the same fate of entirely too many couples these days? Am i going to end up with a broken heart; having lost not only my boyfriend, but his friendship as well...

What am I so scared of?

At some point one would think i would begin to relax and not be so scared in my relationship with J. We keep taking these steps that make things a little more serious and i keep having little panic attacks on a seemingly regular basis. I have been told that i "over-think" things and I have to admit that when it comes to J, anything from a silly little comment about how we are going to end up married to something as serious as a good friend of mine separating from her husband and everything in between has caused me to question just what we are doing.

So now i sit here trying to figure out why my relationship with J terrifies me so much?

Is it the fact that I find myself sharing things with J that i have never told to anyone before? I do this despite the fact that i was taught from a very young age not to trust people as everyone ends up hurting you in the end. The problem is, that not only do i want to trust J, but that i do trust him. In fact, i trust him more than i have ever trusted anyone.

Is it the fact that I was adamant about not ever getting married again and giving someone that much power over me? Yet I have realized that it isn't the marriage that would give a man power over me, but the falling in love with them. I have fallen in love with J, even though i haven't been brave enough to admit it to him. J already has the power to hurt me more than X ever did.

Maybe in the end, all i am really scared of is how badly i am going to end up being hurt.

What Wendy Really Wants

I like lists and tend to make a lot of them. And don't most people, when they break up, make a list of what they want the next time around? Just to make sure they get their priorities straight? So, it shouldn't be surprising that this would be the first list I make, upon getting divorced.

I want someone who is just like my ex-husband, but completely different. I want someone who is smarter than I am, but thinks my jokes are funny anyway. I want someone who likes to have serious conversations, but enjoys how my stories tend to ramble on. I want someone that loves to tease me and to be teased right back.

I want someone who would like to spoil me once in a while, just because, but who also knows that I don't expect it. I want someone that will call or txt just to let me know he was thinking about me. I want someone who holds my hand, uses his turn signal, and tips too much.

I want someone who doesn't care that my house isn't always neat and tidy, that I spend too much time on the net, and that I'm not as skinny or as pretty as I was 10 years ago. I want someone who thinks I'm just as beautiful with my hair up, no makeup, and in sweats as I am all dressed up to go out.

I want someone who will not only go with me to a cheesy horror film but will stay over that night because he knows I'll regret it come three in the morning. I want someone who reads as much as I do. I want someone to whom staying home and watching TV and going out until all hours is equally appealing.

In addition, and most crucially:

I want someone who doesn't care that I used to be married and that I have children — who makes me feel as though it is possible to have a relationship that simply makes me happy.

That's not too much, surely?

When All Was Lost, I Was Found

I was trying to tell X last summer exactly how close to the end we were, he just decided not to hear me. The thing is, I didn't realize just exactly what I meant. I just knew with every fiber of my being that what I was saying was true. I told him that if we separated, I didn't think we would get back together. What I didn't understand about myself was, that I wouldn't leave until there was nothing left to save.

I would stay until my grief had dissipated, until my anger had subsided, and until I realized that I just couldn't pretend anymore. I would stay until I realized that putting my needs and wants first didn't make me a bad mother or a bad person. I would stay just long enough to comprehend the fact that I hadn't really lost the woman I am; she was just hiding, biding her time until I was ready to let her shine.

He Misses Me

I knew the minute I saw the email from the soon to be X, that I shouldn't open it. So, of course I opened it. The email was short with him asking to get together sometime this week. He told me that he would get a sitter for the girls and that he missed me. I don't want to hear that he misses me, that just makes what I am doing that much harder.

I had to call him this morning for something to deal with our oldest daughter. He asked me if I would consider going to marriage counseling with him. Seriously? I begged him to go with me last summer, but his heart wasn't in it. I am meeting with two divorce lawyers in the next couple days and will hopefully be filing sometime in the next week. It is too late for marriage counseling at this point.

Is it wrong for me to be grateful that he didn't put forth the effort to save our marriage while there was still something there to save. If he had made any attempt, any at all, then I would still be there right now. I'm truly sorry that he is hurting, but I cannot make this better for him. Goodness knows, he certainly wasn't concerned with making things easy for me last summer.